


the breath you couldn't take

by limitedheart



Category: Code Lyoko
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-05-27 04:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15016790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limitedheart/pseuds/limitedheart
Summary: “You might want to wear your hair down for a while,” his fingers are skimming the back of her neck. Yumi winces, she imagines the bruises she can’t see. He’s lingering - he always lingers.





	1. nuclear seasons

Now it’s not like Yumi doesn’t understand what Ulrich wants. What he thinks he wants. 

“You might want to wear your hair down for a while,” his fingers are skimming the back of her neck. Yumi winces, she imagines the bruises she can’t see. He’s lingering - he always lingers.

“Thanks,” she bristles as she shakes her head, illustrating obedience. See, she practices the conversation in her mind, it’s down. But she doesn’t say a word. Her lips purse together, a tight line. Silence has become part of their routine too.

They’re not kids anymore and Yumi isn’t stupid. She knows Ulrich thinks he loves her. At that thought, Yumi’s head politely reminds her she hasn’t slept more than 5 hours in the past two days and she grimaces. Her body certainly isn’t built for a war.

“I’m going to head out,” Yumi slings her backpack over her shoulder and she can hear her bones creaking. For the first time, she looks up at Ulrich. Her breath pauses to look too. “Are you okay?”

He doesn’t miss a beat, “Yeah, of course.”

He shrugs, it’s slow, and Yumi can bet his rotator cuff is injured. For a moment, Yumi blames herself. If she paid less attention to him she might not have noticed. Her brow creases.

“Try to sleep on your back tonight,” she murmurs. She doesn’t look at him as she opens the door to go.

\--

Her parents ask questions.

Tonight, Yumi almost lashes out. 

She holds, biting her tongue, tasting blood for the third time.

Her mother wants to know why Yumi is wearing a turtleneck in the height of summer, and why she’s coming home at nearly midnight.

“Don’t think we haven’t noticed you sneaking out for the past two nights.”

Yumi thinks about Ulrich. Sweet, bumbling Ulrich with all of his concern and misplaced affection. Distantly she thinks, I need to grow my hair out.

“Well?” her mother implores, fisting her hands at her hips.

Yumi feels so old with her battered body and her tangled mind. She feels agonizingly young, standing in her parent’s house, having to account for her whereabouts. 

How frustrating, she thinks. 

Her mind is clouded, too tired to think of a thorough excuse, something she can collaborate with a school assignment or activity.

Ulrich creeps into her mind again. 

—

“I wanted you to hear it from me first… we’re dating.”

Ulrich looks baffled.

Finally, he says, “… what?”

It means nothing, it’s just a pretext, just a distraction. It takes so much effort to breathe around him.

“My parents asked the typical questions last night. My mom actually followed up with me this morning before I had a chance to cover up the bruise… So I told her it was a gift,” Yumi is sly with her next words. “… from a boy.”

Ulrich almost chokes. 

“So you told them it was from me?” His tone is flat.

This, Yumi wasn’t expecting. If anything, she expected a surplus of emotion - maybe even laughter.

“Is this a problem?”

Ulrich’s gaze cuts through her.

“No, not at all.” His face is back to that unassuming facade she knows so well.

“Great,” she slides her hands into her pockets, not sure what to do with them. They start walking towards the dormitories.

“You know,” Ulrich’s tone is steady. “We could actually do that - for real.”

Yumi fists her hands so tightly that her fingers cut crescents into her palm. She’s not sure why she is so resistant to the idea or so adamant about pretending it isn’t even a possibility. She bites her lip.

“My grades are pretty shitty right now. I can barely stay awake during class. I haven’t even started submitting applications for university. I really don’t want to fuck up the good things that are still left.”

“I wouldn’t call that ‘fucking up’ things, Yumi.”

Ulrich knows her so well, too well, and maybe that’s why she doesn’t dare to reply.

—

Aelita is all smiles, even as her cheek is partly covered by a clumsy bandage.

“Don’t you ever worry about the future?”

“Time is relative,” Aelita chirps. 

Yumi rolls her eyes, but her mouth is curving into a smile.

Sometimes she forgets Aelita is not of this world, and that her existence is founded on the promise of love. She has no such qualms.

—

Exhausted but unable to sleep, Yumi stares at the ceiling.

Here, she can be weak. She thinks of Ulrich. Her chest aches, and she doesn’t bother to try to attribute it to her injuries.

The wanting is so strong, it pervades her doubts and her fears. In the darkness, she can be honest.

The sound is subtle at first and Yumi imagines it’s just her imagination. 

Then, there it is again, a dull thud.

She slides her legs off the bed, feet touching the cold floor. Pulling her curtains to the side, she stumbles back in surprise, opens the window.

Yumi’s voice is a hiss. “Ulrich, what are you doing here?”


	2. magnets

Ulrich raised his eyebrow as he tapped the glass again.

Yumi bit her lip and slowly, so slowly, opened the window. Ulrich casually slipped through the open window, his posture slack. Yumi’s head changed channels, slowly rising into a panic, wondering if something happened - if she was too late - 

“Everything is fine,” Ulrich said, as if he read her mind. Yumi let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding, but her chest was still tight because Ulrich Stern was in her bedroom. Her parents were downstairs, Hiroki’s bedroom was just across the hall. She wanted to wrap her fingers around Ulrich’s wind pipe and tighten them, like a vice. He made her so - 

“I brought you something.”

Ulrich slipped off his backpack and unceremoniously sat on her bed, as if he belonged there. With a flourish, he procured a bottle of Whiskey and two glasses.

\- so angry.

“You’re drunk,” Yumi’s voice was flat, her hands instinctively disappeared into her pockets. This was becoming a habit, too. Yumi knew she should be worried, but she was more worried about how much she wanted to join him.

Ulrich poured the whiskey.

“I came to celebrate our engagement.”

“I said we were dating,” Yumi rolled her eyes, but took the glass from his outstretched hand. 

“Yeah, but who knows …” Ulrich fixed his eyes on his glass. The whiskey rippled as his hand trembled. “Who knows when this fucking war will be over … we might have to pretend to like each other forever.”

The last was most definitely a jab, but Yumi ignored it because that’s what she was good at - ignoring his feelings, his subtext. 

Yumi wanted to say something like, “I want us to go back to the way we were”, but that sounded trite and also untrue. Yumi thought of William, who both wanted her and hated her.

“I think I broke something,” Ulrich winced. Yumi nodded as he poured himself another shot.

“Me too,” Yumi tipped the glass and let the whiskey fill her mouth. Like your heart, or my future, or this friendship.

Looking at the beautiful line of his jaw, Yumi was very glad that her parents were in the same house. 

“Another?” Ulrich whispered. 

“Yes.”

He smiled, frank and a little delirious. “Okay.” 

Yumi’s limbs were beginning to feel comfortably heavy.

“Thanks for coming,” she licked her lips to retrieve an errant drop of Whiskey.

“Uh, yeah …” Ulrich noticed. “I wanted to talk to you before tomorrow … and the next day, and the days after that. You know, we don’t get to talk anymore. I know you think you’re not going to get into a good university but we both know that’s a lie.”

He poured them both another shot.

“So … what are you really worried about?”

Yumi smiled, languid, heady from the alcohol. When did Ulrich Stern become so wise and so perceptive? Or maybe all of this alcohol was making her too easy to predict, like an oncoming train veering off the rails.

“I don’t know,” Yumi sighed. You. “What if the war is … “ The words tumbled away from her. “What if this war is the best of our lives? l mean, how insane does that sound?” Yumi raked her hands through her oil slicked hair. “What if after this … we all drift apart, and I never get to see you again, and I get into a really good school but then my life turns into this … it’s … mediocre …” 

Ulrich was silent. How could he have an answer? Feeling stupid, Yumi finally looked over to Ulrich only to discover that he was falling asleep. Did he hear anything she said? Probably not, and that was probably for the best.

Yumi threw her empty shot glass in his lap. This startled Ulrich enough to rouse him. “You really need to get out of here.”

Ulrich moved slowly, checked his phone, it was almost sunrise. 

“Yeah … “

Yumi moved to open the window, making sure no one was feeling particularly health conscious and was out for a run. 

“I still think we should give this a shot.”

Yumi froze, her buzz was already fading and this was not a conversation she wanted to have.

“Didn’t we just talk about this?”

“Define talk,” Ulrich’s packed away the shot glasses and the whiskey. The zipper on his backpack was so fucking loud. 

“You brought up the idea, I said it wasn’t a good one, the conversation ended.”

“You were right,” Ulrich said, as he swung his legs out of the window. “We will drift apart … and we won’t see each other for a long time, maybe never. And if you’re okay with that then okay … I’m not … I’m not going to keep asking you, Yumi.” 

Shit, so he did hear her. His hands were fisted, he wasn’t looking at her.

“ — and if you don’t want me, that’s fine. I just … can you stop looking at me like you do all the fucking time?”

He jumped before Yumi could reply. 

Yumi couldn’t move, her pulse stuttered. She felt trapped by her own emotions and incapable of moving from where she stood.

By the time she had recovered and looked out of the window, Ulrich was already gone.

—

They didn’t have any classes in common, since she was a year ahead, and Ulrich was absent during lunch. 

“He’s taking a test he missed,” Odd supplied helpfully when Jeremie stared at where Ulrich usually sat.

Aelita sat between Jeremie and Odd, sketching a blueprint for something she was working on for a showcase. She looked utterly lax, content and oblivious.

“Oh no,” Aelita said suddenly, her brow creasing. “I forgot my other notepad with all of my calculations in class…” She looked so worried, so utterly helpless. Jeremie fell for it immediately.

“Do you want me to go get it?”

“Absolutely,” Aelita smiled. “Odd, it was that last class we had … can you show Jeremie which classroom?”

“Sure thing,” Odd’s gaze lingered on Aelita’s face. 

Jeremie and Odd left, in pursuit of a notepad that Yumi was sure didn’t exist, and would keep them occupied for at least twenty minutes.

“So…” Aelita drawled. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

Yumi groaned, “Barely.”

Aelita wiggled her eyebrows, “Did you break Ulrich, is that why he isn’t here?”

“W-what! Aelita, no. Jeeze, sometimes I forget you came out of a computer but then you say things like that.”

“Hey,” Aelita shrugged. “If you were trapped in a digital world, you would have a lot of time on your hands too. So, enough deflecting … what happened?”

“Nothing,” Yumi crossed her arms over her chest. “Ulrich showed up at my house last night, drunk, and then we both started drinking … He asked me why I wouldn’t date him, again - “

“An excellent question we all ponder.”

Yumi rolled her eyes. “… and then he said, ‘I’m not going to wait for you … if you don’t want to go out with me then stop looking at me like you do’ or some shit like that. Ulrich Stern, of all people …”

“To be fair, he was probably thinking about that for a while. So what are you going to do about it?”

“Wait a minute,” Yumi countered. “Don’t try to lecture me about doing anything about anything until you work out that thing you have going on with Odd.”

“What thing?” Aelita asked, innocently. “I can’t control how other people feel about me … and neither can you. But lying to yourself about how you feel, that’s something else.”

“What’s the point anyway? I’m about to graduate, all of the universities I’m looking at are far away from here, at least a three hour drive. After nearly dying on a weekly basis, a little high school fling isn’t exactly high on my list of priorities.”

“Okay,” Aelita shrugged. “I just think you should consider that Ulrich isn’t a plaything, and he’s also stubborn, so this probably isn’t going to work out the way you want it to.”

At that moment, Sissi approached their table. Yumi raised an eyebrow, her hair was a startling shade of blonde. 

“Where’s Ulrich?”

“Oh, let me check,” Aelita rifled through some pages in her notepad. “Oh wait, that’s right, I’m not his secretary.”

Yumi nearly choked on the apple she was eating. 

Sissi narrowed her eyes at Aelita, obviously unsure how to respond. “… Well, if you see him, let him know I’m looking for him.”

Yumi turned her attention to Aelita.

“Did something happened to you?”

“Look, I haven’t slept in three days, we’re no closer to cracking the barrier we found in Sector 5 and I haven’t finished this design for my admissions essay. Jeremie keeps trying to convince me to do this summer internship with him at Yatedo, but Odd wants me to do this band summer camp … The only person worse at catching a hint than Sissi is —“

“Princess,” Odd hollered as he ran towards the table. Jeremie looked puzzled, and trailed behind him. “Are you sure you left that notepad in our last class?”

“Hmm,” Aelita lifted her pencil to her mouth, tapping twice. Odd was transfixed. “Now that you mention it … maybe I left it back at the dorm. Thanks for looking though!”

Yumi bit back a smile.

— 

The rest of the day was uneventful. No alarms, no skipping classes to fight evil - just an instructor droning on and on. 

Yumi’s phone buzzed and the instructor looked in her direction auspiciously. Yumi tossed him a winning smile and the instructor turned away.

She took a moment to look at her notification. It was Ulrich.

“Hey”

She wrote back.

“How was the quiz?”

“It’s better if you don’t ask.”

“So you’re going to need a make up for the make up?”

“Ha, something like that.”

Yumi paused, she didn’t know what else to say. Ulrich beat her to it.

“So, I just wanted to say sorry about last night.”

“Which part … the part where you brought me cheap whiskey or the part where you almost got me disowned. I only have 5 months left in that prison!!” 

Yumi was good at this, if Ulrich was going to give her the opportunity to pretend that everything was okay between them, shit, she was going to take it.

“No, I mean about showing up at your parents house in the middle of the night. I just want to let you know before you hear it from someone else …”

Yumi hesitated. This sounded suspiciously familiar.

“What did you want to tell me?”

The instructor passed by with a past assignment. Yumi looked at the grade stamped on the upper right corner of her paperwork and sighed. Her phone buzzed. Yumi’s gaze darted to her phone, she could use a distraction from how she was going to explain this grade to her parents.

“After I left your house, I ran into Sissi on the way back to the dormitories. She asked me out and I said yes. So you don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

Yumi’s phone slipped out of her hand.

What the fuck.


	3. do I wanna know

hi everyone! without further ado, here's chapter 3.

* * *

 

Seven miles from Kadic in the 13th arrondissement of Paris stood Muse, a cozy nightclub.

 

Yumi’s hair was slicked back, tucked behind her ears. Her eyes were lined with black, her lips stained with something plum. Aelita’s thigh brushed against hers as the Uber turned a corner. Odd had his arm around Aelita’s shoulders, said something into her ear. Aelita’s head fell back, laughter rumbling in her throat.

 

Four months shy of eighteen, they couldn’t legally drink but since when had they been limited to the rules?

 

Yumi looked out of the window, watched the landscape a blur of light and dark.

 

She was feeling miserable tonight and Aelita had insisted that alcohol, sweat, and sleep deprivation was the cure.

 

“ — and then Jeremie said, ‘Aelita, we have an exam tomorrow, I need to sleep, _you_ need to sleep’ and I looked at him and said, ‘ _Humans_ need sleep’.

 

Odd’s arm shifted and his fingers unceremoniously slipped a errant piece of hair back into Aelita’s hairpin.

 

“Jeremie underestimates you, Princess.”

 

Aelita smiled up at Odd. “Maybe.”

 

Odd’s face warred between guilt, confusion, and that all too obvious wanting.

 

Yumi looked at Aelita, who met her gaze with a perfectly blank expression.

 

* * *

 

There was a modest line to the entrance of the club, but nothing that could offset Yumi’s mood. She had been grinding her teeth all night.

 

Ulrich didn’t have anything in common with Sissi. Did she know anything about him except how good it was to look at him? Yumi’s hands fisted in anger. Fury rolled inside of her, lapped at her like the tide. She couldn’t bank this feeling, no matter how hard she tried.

 

All she had to do was say yes. She could easily imagine it. She’d been the tallest of the group for so long, but Ulrich was already towering over her. His face was usually so tense, but when he looked at her, he looked happy, relieved. He saw something in her that she couldn’t see herself. 

 

But they both knew better. If there was one thing her parent’s marriage had taught her, is that the idea of being with someone and the reality were two different things.

 

Aelita sauntered ahead, her skin pale and luminous against her black leather dress. These days she gravitated more to metallics and monotone shades. The bubblegum princess was fading, and Yumi hoped Jeremie noticed. Odd certainly had.

 

What a fucked up situation that was. Yumi shook her head. She had enough problems of her own.

 

Like how, unexpectedly and unbelievably, she was _jealous_ of Elisabeth Delmas. 

 

What were they doing right now? Were they having fun, was she making his mouth quirk, in that sharp little smile that he wore whenever he found something amusing?

 

No, she had to come back to the present. _You’re at Muse with Aelita and Odd. You’re going to have fun. You’re going to drink until you can’t remember why you came here._

 

Here she could find another warm body to occupy her mind. It was easy to commit to someone for an hour or two. Temporary was good, safe.

 

They found a booth and huddled in. Aelita shrugged out of her coat, silver bangles kissing the table. 

 

“Odd, can you grab us drinks? It’s too early to start rejecting guys.”

 

Yumi smirked. “Or girls.”

 

“Don’t worry Princess, I’m here to defend your honor.”

 

Aelita’s smile was all teeth, “Honor?”

 

Odd laughed and disappeared into the crowd.

 

“William is here,” Aelita said. “I saw him as we were looking for a table. I think Samantha is with him.”

 

“Odd’s ex girlfriend?”

 

“One and the same.”

 

“ _Wonderful_.”

 

“… as for Ulrich,” Aelita measured her words carefully. “I’m assuming by now you want to drive a stake through Sissi’s heart. Don’t you think the fact that you’re so miserable means _something_?”

 

“I don’t want to think, that’s why we’re here,” Yumi bit out.

 

“Fair enough,” Aelita quipped. Odd was already heading back with drinks in hand. “Okay, I’m ready to get drunk, how about you?”

 

* * *

 

They drank and drank until Aelita, bored of the fact that she was unforgivably sober despite her best efforts and everyone else around her was about to black out, called a ride home.

 

They walked Odd to his dormitory, and then Aelita insisted on following Yumi home.

 

“XANA is going to be pissed if it isn’t the one who kills you, just saying.”

 

“So considerate,” Yumi slurred.

 

Aelita helped her prop the ladder against the side of the house, and then helped her climb up. Yumi stumbled a few times, and her head was quickly heading towards unpleasantly unfocused instead of the warm buzz that had kept her company all night.

 

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” Aelita whispered as she started to descend back down.

 

“Got it,” Yumi shot Aelita a mock salute, turned and unceremoniously plopped on her bed. 

 

Her body felt heavy. She thought about kicking off her shoes but couldn’t bring herself to do it. For a few minutes she thought about all the things she should do but probably wouldn’t.

 

The very tight dress Aelita had convinced her to wear had become incredibly uncomfortable. Still, Yumi didn’t move. It took her a minute to realize that she was crying. 

 

It was impossible to not suffocate under the weight of her feelings. Her self imposed loneliness, the fact that she might have to watch Ulrich date Sissi for months, maybe years. If not Sissi, some other unnamed girl. He would never look at her with such relief and longing ever again.

 

She wanted him _so_ much, but he was too important to mess up, to lose.

 

There was a noise at her window, Yumi turned her head. Did Aelita forget something?

 

Ulrich’s dark, tousled hair swam into her line of vision. He slowly made his way inside her room, careful not to make a sound.

 

“You forgot to lock your window,” he admonished. He paused when he caught sight of her on the bed.

 

“Drunk”, Yumi offered helpfully.

 

“I see that,” Ulrich smiled and Yumi wished she could kiss him. She wondered how his hair would feel between her fingers. How good the weight of his body would feel. 

 

Ulrich slowly slipped off her shoes. He placed them off the side. From his backpack he took out a bottle of water.

 

“What, no whiskey?” Yumi teased.

 

“I think you had enough. Come here, sit up.”

 

Ulrich put his arm around her shoulders and gave her the leverage she needed. It took so much for her to wrap her hand around the bottle. 

 

Yumi smiled at Ulrich. She couldn’t help herself. Obviously caught off guard, he tentatively smiled back. 

 

“This dress is the _worst_ ,” Yumi whined. “Can you help me take it off?”

 

Ulrich blushed. “Uh, I don’t think that’s … I mean … what … “

 

Yumi laughed. Ulrich covered her mouth. 

 

“Your parents are going to kills us.” He hissed and her alcohol addled mind found it hilarious. She giggled.

 

Ulrich moved to pull his hand away, but Yumi placed her own over it, holding in in place. She pressed his hand to her lips.

 

“Stay with me,” she whispered, her limbs heavy with sleep.

 

Ulrich’s eyes were so soft.

 

“Always.”

 

—


	4. neutron star collision

Thank you to everyone who has shown interest in this story and left me a comment/kudos. Your encouragement is really motivating. Also, each chapter is named after a song that to some degree inspired the theme of the chapter. Can you guess by who? 

 

chapter 4 (neutron star collision)

 

* * *

 

It took a few years for Ulrich to catch on.

 

At age 12, he started noticing things about Yumi Ishiyama.

 

The way she talked - clipped, solid statements that didn’t leave room for disagreements. The way she smirked when she subtly won an argument. The way he had to look up to meet her eyes.

 

A little intimidated by how tall she was and how easily she overpowered him during their sparring matches, Ulrich stood quiet, admiration and a little envy heavy in his chest.

 

At 13, he started to notice other things.

 

How stark her eyes were, two glittering supernovas. She kept her hair short, and as she pinned him to the mat, he felt her hair brush his neck. It was so soft, and it tickled.

 

At this point, their friendship was a steady, solid thing. Lyoko had made quick work of that.

 

Yumi was the type of person who was so clever, so smart and yet never flaunted it. When the teacher handed her back her assignments, cheerfully marked with A’s, Yumi would quietly tuck them away. When Jeremie would stop himself short and smile, say ‘But I won’t bore you guys with the details’, he watched Yumi systematically change the conversation, nurturing his ego.

 

And yes, it was impossible not to notice that she was beautiful.

 

Beauty was never a point of pride for her, so Ulrich refrained from commenting on it.

 

At 14, Ulrich was feeling a little brave and said,

 

“You look nice in that dress.”

 

To which Yumi loftily replied, “So what?”

 

And that was the last time Ulrich Stern complimented Yumi on looks.

 

Months after that, Yumi explained, “It’s just - I don’t want that to be a factor in … _anything_.” Ulrich understood. Yumi wanted to be looked at, just not in the way Sissi did.

 

At 15, things began to shift.

 

Of course, if Ulrich wanted to be honest with himself, he had been on a rockslide since Yumi turned, smiled and said, “I’m Yumi”, and tucked her onyx hair behind her ear, cool and self assured but oh so kind.

 

Ulrich started to notice the slant of her cheekbones, the curve of her lips. The sound of her laughter, the way her hand felt, clammy with sweat, as they ran, ran as fast as they could, away from danger.

 

The way he felt when William was in the room, like all four valves of his heart had suddenly clenched shut.

 

The thought of losing her made his breath stutter, and Ulrich had to close his eyes, remind himself that it wasn’t real, she was still here, she was still in reach.

 

At 17, with Yumi’s head leaning on his shoulder, her hair tickling his throat, her sleepy little sighs wafting in the air, her thigh resting on his as her body curved towards him, Ulrich realized something else.

 

He was in love with her.

 

Ulrich slowly exhaled, turning his wrist to check the time. 4:29am. Soon, Yumi’s parents would be awake, or her brother would thunder down the hallway, kick in the door…

 

It was probably best for him to leave.

 

He slipped his arm around her waist and lifted her to her bed.

 

Her lips were still bright with lipstick, and Ulrich wanted nothing more than to kiss her.

 

But, he forcefully reminded himself, she had said no.

 

Ulrich suddenly felt the weight of being awake for nearly twenty four hours.

 

Slowly and carefully, he opened Yumi’s window and climbed down the ladder with the familiarity of someone who had done so a thousand times.

 

For now, Ulrich was happy to be a wolf at her door, waiting for her to let him in.

 

* * *

 

Yumi caught Aelita’s eyes from across the classroom and mouthed, ‘I hate you’.

 

Aelita grinned and turned her attention back to Jeremie, who was sitting next to her.

 

It hurt to be alive. Her mouth was dry, her eyelids felt like paper mâché. And when Yumi thought about the events of the previous night, her head only hurt more.

 

_’Stay with me’_

 

_‘Always’_

 

Honestly, at this point, Yumi wouldn’t fault Ulrich for hating her. How was she going to help him climb down from _that_ ledge?

 

She thought she was dreaming when he climbed through her window.

 

And what a beautiful dream it had been.

 

This was an elective class, the only class they had together, and Yumi felt Ulrich’s eyes fixed on her head. He sat directly behind her, and she could hear every stroke of his pen, deliberate, tapping on the desk. That was his tell, his nervous habit - he was unsure of what to do next. It amused and alarmed her how well she knew him.

 

Sissi sat two seats away from her, in front, and Yumi saw her staring back at Ulrich more than a few times. She looked utterly content, and when she caught Yumi’s eyes, her mouth set itself into a sneer.

 

She thought she had won, but Ulrich wasn’t a trophy.

 

An ugly feeling bloomed in her chest and Yumi recognized it as jealousy.

 

Ulrich belonged to them.

 

_To her_ **_._ **

 

Quickly, Yumi tucked that thought away, tried to focus on the assignment before her.

 

But it was impossible. Yumi knew the tide was turning, and she would have to make a decision, a real decision soon.

 

The thought of going away to University and not seeing Ulrich for years, if ever again, turned her stomach. Or maybe that was just the massive hangover she inherited from the night before.

 

Her phone vibrated in her pocket. Ulrich.

 

_Can we talk?_

 

Yumi felt her headache intensify. Another buzz. Aelita.

 

_Okay, you need to tell me why Ulrich is looking at you like a lost puppy. Did something happen last night? Tell me EVERYTHING._

 

Ugh, she was never going to hear the end of this.

 

Another buzz. Ulrich.

 

_I have something really important to tell you._

 

Yumi’s hands were shaking. She was probably dehydrated, she reasoned. Or maybe she was terrified. Either way, she picked up her phone and replied.

 

To Ulrich _: Okay_.

 

To Aelita: _Prepare yourself, shit is about to go down._


	5. dance to this

 

They walked to  Parc des Buttes Chaumont.

 

At an hour past midday, the sun was still high in the sky. Yumi was sweltering underneath her black jacket. 

 

They found a spot on a small hill by the lake. Tourists were sprawled all around, the puncture of camera shutters humming in the air. Yumi spied a pair of school girls eyeing Ulrich. She vaguely remember that there was a High School nearby - Bergson something. It was too late for lunch so she imagined the girls were skipping class. Just like they were.

 

It wasn’t like Kadic was very vigilant about their attendance. Yumi knew her grades spoke on her behalf, and knew that Ulrich’s parent’s pockets spoke on his.

 

Not that Ulrich wasn’t smart or capable, there was just an unavoidable truth ingrained in his life - and that truth was that the privilege of being raised in the upper echelon lent him the ability to be a little more lax about the future. 

 

Yumi didn’t have that luxury. Her parents were comfortable, but they certainly weren’t rich. They were banking on her graduating top of her class and securing an internship which would bridge to a highly profitable career. 

 

Yumi drew her knees to her chest, surveilling the lake. 

 

“So,” Ulrich started. The sun touched the water and it glittered, catching Yumi’s eye. “I wish we had some wine.”

 

At this, Yumi turned to face him, eyebrow raised.

 

“Should I be worried about you,” she smirked. “Drinking seems to be your favorite past time these days.”

 

Ulrich smiled at her, dimpling. The sun crowned his head, making his auburn hair luminescent. 

 

“Can you blame me? I’ve only got one more year to decide what I want to do about the rest of my life.” His tone was unforgiving. The pressure was present everywhere and had only intensified with the additional decisions their little group would have to take.

 

Should they all stay close so they could continue the fight? Did they even want to, or was this just the habit of complying with something so familiar? How could they secure a future if a future in which XANA triumphed was no future at all?

 

“At least you have a year.”

 

Ulrich nodded, sympathetic. 

 

“And then, there’s this girl…”

 

“Oh?” Yumi played along.

 

In the sunlight she could see Ulrich’s faint freckles, and the depth in his eyes. Honey, amber, maple, sweet, so full of goodness and intent. 

 

“Yeah,” Ulrich continued, grabbing a fistful of grass. “I’ve known her for a while… We’re good friends, or so I’d like to think.”

 

“Ulrich, of course we’re good friends,” Yumi interrupted. She wanted desperately for him to know that it was true. Their friendship meant so much to her. Isn’t that why she wasn’t pinning his body to the ground right now? She could have have him so easily, and the thought dazed her with implications.

 

His hand covered her upturned palm. The pads of his fingers were callused and Yumi traced a scar in the curve of his knuckle. This one was in a river, a mile or two outside of the factory, four years ago when they were still inexperienced and terrified. 

 

“I know,” his voice was as soft as when he put her to bed. At _that_ thought, Yumi’s face flushed. He was smiling so tenderly at her. “You’re blushing,” he pointed out.

 

“It’s the sun,” Yumi protested. “Aelita might have a point in that I should own clothes in another color other than black. Does this girl of yours wear summer dresses?”

 

Ulrich laughed, “I don’t think she owns a single dress.” 

 

“So not Sissi … When are you going on that date with her anyway?”

 

Not replying, Ulrich turned away from her, their hands still clasped together. His hand trembled.

 

“Ulrich, are _you_ okay?” 

 

“Yeah,” he replied quickly, too quickly. He sounded anything but okay. “… just … I’m just trying to work up the courage. This girl … she’s very important to me. I’m afraid that if I say the wrong thing, she’s just going to disappear.” 

 

“Ulrich, don’t be stupid, she’s not - _I’m_ not going to disappear. We’ve been friends for over five years, if you think I’m just going to —“

 

Ulrich turned, look at her, and his gaze was so cutting, like the edge of her sword raised high, ready to strike.

 

“I love her.”

 

Yumi fell silent. The air evaporated from her lungs. 

 

“I love her,” he repeated. Yumi’s head was spinning. It was so hard to breathe, to think. She suspected this, but in the face of such words spoken aloud she couldn’t brush them off or run away. This wasn’t a joke. Ulrich looked at her imploringly. “I love you. Say something, please.”

 

Her words came out in a rush, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

 

Yumi felt as if she was gulping air, trying to understand what her next move should be. She had worked so hard to keep their friendship tucked away, a precious treasure. Safe from stupid things like summer romances and bitter ends.

 

Ulrich buried his face in his hands for a moment and then ran his fingers through his hair as he resurfaced. It was impossible to read his face.

 

“Okay,” he said at last. “Thank you … thanks for letting me … for coming here and …”

 

He stopped talking, stood. 

 

“I’m going to take a walk,” he said finally. The thought of him leaving terrified her. Yumi knew with certainty that if he left, there would be no mending the chasm that had just opened between them.

 

“Don’t go.”

 

“I’m sorry Yumi, I can’t just stay here … I can’t be around you right now.” He sounded so utterly miserable. At this, Yumi’s heart broke. She realized with some resentment, that no matter which way this turned, there was no way to avoid getting hurt. 

 

She reached for his arm, but he flinched.

 

“Please don’t make this worse. I’m not like you, Yumi. I can’t just pretend I don’t feel this way. I can’t even fucking look at you right now.”

 

Vision clouded, Yumi reached for him once more. Her face was wet with tears. She fisted her hands in the arm of his jacket, the linen strong beneath her grip. 

 

“I just don’t want anything to change, that’s all,” Yumi rested her face on the back of his shoulder. For the first time, she welcomed the near equality of their height. “ … but don’t think that I don’t want … The thought of you actually going out with Sissi makes me absolutely furious, I can’t —“

 

He turned around so quickly, Yumi’s mouth was still rounded with the syllable of her next word when his mouth finish her sentence for her. The kiss was fervent, sloppy with urgency. His lips were _so_ soft, so unbelievably and perfectly warm. Yumi was almost jealous, except that they were a gift that he had only ever offered to her. His fingers were threading through her hair, thumbs on the curve of her jaw. Her pulse was thunder in her ears as he slowed down his kisses, increasing the interval between each press of his lips on hers, but never stopping.

 

“Ulrich,” she insisted in between each kiss. She didn’t recognize her own voice. 

 

“Don’t,” he said and continued to press electric, dizzying kiss after kiss on her lips. Finally, after what seemed an eternity that was too short for both of them, he stepped back from her. His face was wet, and for a moment Yumi was confused, but then realized he wore her tears. 

 

His thumbs wiped away the last of her tears, and really, Yumi wondered when she had become such a crybaby. 

 

The answer, of course, was that she wasn’t. But presented with losing Ulrich, there she could not hide, could not rationalize her emotions. Of all the things in her life that she accepted could easily slip away, Ulrich was not one of them.

 

“If you want me to believe that you won’t disappear, then you have to believe that _I_ won’t disappear, okay?”

 

Yumi thought about this. She realized that she expected so much of herself and didn’t expect others to live up to those standards.

 

“Okay,” Yumi  acquiesced. Then, as an after thought. “Aelita is never going to let us live this down.”

 

“Aelita,” Ulrich laughed. “I have to explain to Sissi now that I’m not going out on that date with her. Which one do you think is worse?”

 

Yumi shrugged, pretending to be aloof. “That was your fault.”

 

“Actually,” Ulrich protested but then thought better of it. “Nevermind.”

 

“That was a good decision.” Yumi smiled at him, feeling terrified and exhilarated at the same time. 

 

Ulrich bent to kiss her once again, and he looked so absolutely happy, charmed by his own actions. He took her hand as if this was something so familiar, and it was, but in battle it was a grip of reassurance, a life saving promise.

 

And, maybe, here it was too. 


End file.
